How To Stay Classy…

bus

…while using Vancouver transit.

It is necessary in Vancouver to find efficient ways to get around the city and stay classy while doing it. Here are some tips, my saavy fellow transit riders.

1. Be aware that weirdos take transit.

This may or may not be you, but for some reason the weirdos make their appearance on the skytrain, the bus, and yes, even on our newest form of transit, The Canada Line. It’s inevitable. Just know this so you’re not caught off guard when someone coughs in your face without thought, you overhear a phone conversation that you probably shouldn’t have, or someone gets on the bus without any pants. (Trust me, this has happened, and I’m sure there are far more stories that I have yet to experience).

2. Have something to occupy you while you take transit.

This could be an ipod, book (remember those?), magazine, the current issue of the Georgia Straight, etc., etc. If you have something to keep you occupied the ride will seem that much shorter.

3. Let those getting off transit off before you get on, and if you see this not being done, let ‘em know wassup.

I have NO idea where the logic of trying to shove your way onto the Canada Line became efficient, but it’s not. I think it started somewhere around the time of the Olympics. People will only get annoyed and frustrated making for an even more unpleasant transit ride. Let’s be smart about this.

4. Transit smells.

Get over it. I have yet to see the day when a bus smells like roses and maple sugar. (Note: Rainy days are extra vile. ALL buses will smell like wet dogs and sweat.)

5. Always sit at the back of the bus.

Trust me, if you sit in the front some old person is going to get on, or some new mom with a stroller the size of Buick and you’re going to have to move anyway. Save yourself the trouble.

6. Know the fare.

This is helpful for EVERYONE. A) you don’t look like an idiot fumbling around for change at the front of the bus and B) well… you won’t feel like an idiot, which is a common problem for many.

7. Use the “holy shit handle” on the bus.

You don’t want to be the loser who thought they could brave the bus turbulence and be the one flying forward in the use of a hasty brake.

8. Know that transit is, for the most part, NEVER on time.

Allow yourself a few extra minutes to get to whatever stop you’re looking for, and even then I can’t promise anything, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

9. (This one’s good). If you’re drunk and taking transit tell the driver ahead of time where you’re going and which stop you want to get off at. (Assuming you’re coherent enough to do so). I’ve also heard that if you’re a chick and drunk, drivers are obligated to let you on. Use this piece of advice accordingly, ladies.

10. If you’re not drunk, but are taking transit with drunk people, think back to a time when you were in a situation where you had to use  the above tip. Be nice. Unless they aren’t, then I give you full permission to put ‘em back in their place.

Hope these tips help you stay classy as a Vancouver transit rider. If they don’t, quit wasting your money on a bus pass and get a car.

(photo by Liam)

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3 Responses to How To Stay Classy…

  1. Saber says:

    haha this is awesome. even though I have a car, I still rather use public transit to get around downtown as it’s such a pain in the ass driving.

  2. Beatrix Monroe says:

    ^ Cooper you’re just too stingy with gas money.
    My tip is to close your eyes and blast the music! Also hold your bag and not put it on the seat beside you like an asshole. AND if the bus is friggin full with a line of people trying to squish on, don’t stop where the back doors are and gaze around like you don’t know whats up.. KEEP WALKING TO THE BACK O THE BUS! O and to all the men out there please refrain from having your legs spread open as wide as humanly possible—you’re squishing me against the wall.

  3. MYSTERIO says:

    TAKE YOUR FUCKING BACKPACK OFF, especially if you’re going to stand in front of the exit doors like a douche.

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