How To Stay Classy…


on Valentine’s Day 2011.

Oh Valentine’s Day, how I love thee…

Single or not, everyone is plagued by Valentine’s Day whether they like it or not. Red and pink everything and everywhere, Valentine’s Day cards, diamond commercials, ads to spend your hard-earned cash on an expensive dinner that probably won’t get you anywhere with anyone anyway. As someone once mentioned to me, it’s all fun and games until February 14th rolls around and no one does anything for you except your mom, which is nice, but come on. Valentine’s Day is apparently supposed to be about romance, not your mom trying to make you feel better that you have no Valentine’s day plans and you’re sitting at home alone watching early 80′s romantic comedies and drinking that entire bottle of champagne you were saving since your last boyfriend/girlfriend existed. 

Here are ten ways to make Valentine’s Day 2011 a classy one (or less depressing. Or less stupid. Or less sucky.)

1. Avoid buying one of those heart-shaped box of chocolates and eating it all on your own just because you can. It will hurt later. A lot. Also don’t think that just because you eat it fast it won’t haunt you later. Take this piece of advice from someone who KNOWS.

2. Round up a bunch of friends and go out for dinner and watch all the horribly awkward couples try to have a movie-esque Valentine’s Day. Similar to birthdays these plans rarely pan out. Someone else’s social failure can be your entertainment, kind of like “one person’s trash is another person’s treasure.” Okay, maybe not. They’re totally unrelated. In any case, it’s better than nothing.

3. Watch horror movies like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sleepless in Seattle, or any Jennifer Aniston movie over the past couple years.

4. Avoid roses at all costs. They have thorns. They prick. They hurt. They will draw blood from your love starved fingers.

5. Avoid diamonds. Nothing says cliched and “I’ve watched too many love movies and have no imagination”, like diamonds. Go for something else. Like bacon. Girls like bacon.

6. Buy yourself flowers. Eff, if you won’t who will? And I don’t care what you say ladies, EVERY girl likes flowers. You’re not fooling anyone. Maybe if you buy yourself flowers it will somehow convince you that Valentine’s isn’t that shitty. Maybe it won’t. I have no idea.

7. If you do happen to have a significant other and they do something nice for you on Valentine’s Day don’t be an asshole and flaunt it in everyone’s face. This includes Twitter and Facebook. Unless you’re okay with everyone thinking you’re an asshole. In that case, feel free to flaunt all you want. Asshole.

8. Go dancing and make out with as many people as possible. You’ll come away with better stories than just a nice expensive dinner and flowers. Flaunt THIS in couples’ faces. Take note of how they handle your promiscuous Valentine’s adventures. Secretly they wish they were you.

9. Avoid listening to music that reminds you of loves past. Boys 2 Men, Aaliyah, Kenny G, Celine Dion. Not a good idea. Unless you’re looking to end up in tears and mascara streaming down your face. Worst. Valentine’s. Day. EVER.

10. If you want to get someone a Valentine’s Day present for someone avoid the overdone. This means stuffed animals, jewelry, anything engraved, lingerie (nevermind, crotchless panties and other kinky articles of clothing are acceptable), etc. Anything sex related is always fun.

Thus concludes my ten tips on how to have a Classy Valentine’s Day. Remember, Valentine’s Day is a “holiday” invented to exploit your emotions, trick you into thinking you know what romance is, question your sex life, suppress your sexual desires, create expectations that will never be met, force you into remembering what it’s like to have your heart ripped out of your chest, make you spend money you don’t have, and ultimately make you feel like shit. 

Any other tips? I’d love to hear ‘em.

Happy V-Day. I love you.


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