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We all do it, but few of us will admit to doing it unless we’re caught. There are many ways it can be done. There are small lies, big lies, white lies and tall tales. There are those we give quietly and those again that we shout and proclaim with great fervor. We lie to ourselves, we lie to those close to us, and we even lie to strangers.  But why do we do it? What compels otherwise trustworthy, honest individuals to bend and break the truth with impunity?

Most people would imagine that lies are born out of selfish motives, that they’re put forward, packaged, and delivered simply to advance some personal goal or desire. Though this is undoubtedly true, there are of course the little lies we all tell simply to make our lives run more smoothly. We call those harmless, even necessary… that without them we’d be burdened with endless explanations and headaches. It’s evident that, often, lying is much easier than telling the truth. But easier doesn’t always mean better and it’s certainly these “harmless” lies that tend to pile up until they become intricate and unmanageable.

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We lie because we’re prideful. We lie because of fear or trepidation. We lie because it’s habit-forming. We lie because we’re selfish and greedy. And we lie because well, sometimes, the truth is just too shameful. As children, we all learned that “honesty is the best policy”. Have we forgotten this idealistic mantra or have we replaced it with something more realistic: “Honesty is the best policy… unless hiding the truth benefits me more”? The more I think on this, the more I realize that the evolution of our approach to lying, from childhood to adulthood, is telling of the way the world changes around us as we grow up. To a child, the world must be quite simple, consisting of clearly defined rights and wrongs. But as we mature the truth becomes altogether hazier. No longer can we draw a line down the center of an issue and call one side good and the other bad. Our understanding of other peoples feelings becomes more developed and we begin to become (ugggh) politic in our dealings with those around us.

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It seems clear that in some situations, lying is the best option. But, mostly, our lies come not from a place compassion or love but rather from a firm seat of self-interest. So, with this in mind, I’ve come up with a short list of tips… or guidelines, to lying in certain much-encountered situations. Please enjoy responsibly, and take ‘em to heart. After all, would I lie to you?

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Lying To Your Family

We’ll kick it off with this one simply because it’s definitely the type of lying I have the most experience with. I’d have loved to have an honest relationship with my family but the nature of my upbringing made this virtually impossible. You see, I’m the child of immigrants… which means that the atmosphere in my house was incredibly strict. I learned to lie, and to lie with great conviction quite early, in order to deal with the stringent rules and boundaries put on me as I was growing up. The trick to lying to your family, and more specifically your parents, is all in the details. Fooling the people that brought you into the world is much harder than putting one over on a complete stranger, so it’s important that your fibs are almost air-tight. Your family wants to think the best of you. Use this against them. Your alibis and excuses should have something to do with the things your family expects from you. Lying to your family might make you feel sick to your stomach, but I find a cup of chamomile tea usually takes care of this feeling. Now, I suggest only lying to your family when you’re trying to get away with something they probably won’t approve of, a sort of one-off deal. Don’t lie to them about your personal life, because family members tend to have long memories and sooner or later they’ll bring up your lie and leave you flustered.

Lying To Your Employer

This one is one is probably one of the most common types of lies, and also the most harmless. There are many reasons why a person would lie to there employer, not the least of which is probably shear laziness. We all deserve a bit of time off and often, as grown-ups, we don’t get nearly as much of it as we might like. When you’re feeling burnt out, it is ridiculously tempting to try to call in sick. Believe me, I know this feeling well. But when you do make that call, there are a few things to remember. Don’t over do it. Calling in sick every Friday for a month is a more than a little suspicious, so try to space those calls out. And remember, play the pity card as hard as you possibly can. Whenever I call in sick to work I gargle with warm salt water before-hand. The salt leeches any mucus you might have out into your throat and creates that raspy warble you need to sound truly convincing over the phone. Also, it doesn’t hurt to let out a couple high-pitched war cries pre-phone call, to really wear that voice out to the point of a quiver. And remember to use those well-placed fake coughs and sneezes sparingly… too many can oust you as the dirty faker you really are.

Lying To Strangers

This one is by far my favorite. If you ask anyone who knows me well, they’ll tell you that I’m quite fond of making up extravagant stories about the world, and of course, myself. I once convinced a girl at a high-school party that space was only a kilometer away and that if you had a kite with enough string you could send the damn thing right out of the atmosphere. Another favorite of mine is pretending to be foreign when I’m blasted. People are much nicer to you when they think you’re visiting from out of town. The fact that I happen to speak a couple of languages besides English makes this work quite well, though it has backfired on me a few times when I’ve been caught later speaking colloquially with my friends. If you feel you need practice lying, then lie to some strangers. Just remember to keep a straight face and a sincere tone of voice about you, and you’ll be surprised at what people are willing to believe.

Lying To Friends

I don’t really suggest this at all. The whole point of friendship is honesty and trust in a world where these things aren’t in abundance. Friends are meant to be able to confide in each other; and having a known liar for a friend makes this practice a hell of a lot less appealing. But if you must lie to your friends, for one reason or another, try to keep those lies as small as possible. Most of us spend so much time around our friends that sooner or later a large lie will be exposed by some sort of misstep on our part. Of course there are occasions when lying to your friends is justified… in the short run. Some people just can’t handle the truth about their new hair-cut. But in the long run, it’s much better to give them the brutal truth now instead of waiting for inevitable, “Why didn’t anyone fucking tell me this hairstyle makes me look like Chad Kroeger?!”

Lying To Your Significant Other

This is where it gets really dicey. As with friendships, any meaningful relationship should be built on a solid foundation of trust. And trust is the first casualty of lies. Dishonesty, on any level, is a cancer that eats a relationship slowly from the inside out. It can be as simple as lying to yourself over how you feel about your partner and go as far as leading a double life of which your partner is completely unaware. I’m wary of giving any advice on how to lie to your significant other, as I can visualize a number of open palms directed my way after this is published, but due to the vaguely educational nature of this column I’m afraid I’m obligated to continue (sorry ladies). Be careful, and be aware that you hold in your hands a delicate heart that can be crushed to a pulp by your ill-advised indiscretions. This kind of lying is probably the most dangerous because of what is at stake. It is also the hardest to get away with it. I’ve no doubt that no matter how adept you may be at misdirection, sooner or later your partner will discover the truth and you’ll be left out in the cold with a pocket-full of regrets. So I guess my advice about how to lie to your significant other boils down to one thing: Don’t do it. If you feel you have to be dishonest, just move on, because this sort of thing is a sure sign you’re unfit to be there in the first place.

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So there it is… another installment in the “tips” series. I sincerely hope you’ve found something of substance here to apply to your own life, though, as I read through what I’ve written it does seem a bit thin on actual advice. Oh well. I’ll leave you with this, my faithful readers. Whenever you lie, keep in mind, that you’re really pulling the wool over your own eyes. So be honest with yourself, and the rest will follow.

Stay Tasty Kids.

Gunslingrrr