Hey kids, it’s that time of year again. That’s right, summer is here, and we all know what that means. BEACH WEATHER! So in honour of the arrival of this, the most vaunted of all seasons, we here at thefuturists.ca have decided to put together a little guide to enjoying (and surviving) Vancouver’s world famous nude beach. Take heed my friends, for I speak from experience, following these 10 simple steps will see you through your nude bathing experience and bring you back to clothed society in one piece by the end of the day.
1) Bring Sunscreen, lots of it
This is #1 on the list, because honestly, it’s really fucking important. I know you wanna get a slick tan, and you want it now, but trust me.. sunscreen is your friend. Put it everywhere (especially your whitest bits) and reapply every 2hrs or so.
2) Respect the Stairs
Just by virtue of what it is (and what it represents) we should all be grateful that Wreck Beach is fairly isolated. But the cost of such privacy is a gnarly set of stairs. Winding your way down the 400+ steps is no easy feat, especially if you’re hauling a case of beer and other (sometimes heavy) essentials, but the trip up is even tougher. After a day of lounging in the sun and ingesting all sorts of reality bending substances, it is best to take it slow and steady. Don’t try to be a hero and go flying up the first portion, or your friends will be carrying your weezing carcass the rest of the way.
3) Come prepared
You don’t wanna make the trip out, hike down the stairs, and hit the beach, only to realize that you left the booze chilling in the fridge or you forgot to bring a blanket or a towel to stretch out on. Something like that is enough to put your naked day of fun at serious risk. So do a quick check before you start the car or get on the bus, I know it sounds anal, but it’s much better than having nothing to drink and an ass full of sand. And if you really cant remember to double-check, then remember to…
4) Always bring cash
Okay, so you decided to disregard tip # 3. That’s alright, you’ll be fine. As long as you bring cash! Wreck is bursting with “black market” vendors who will happily supply you with anything, from psychedelics to sunscreen, for a price. Feeling a bit peckish? That’s alright. You can head over to Stormin’ Norman’s and wrap your maw around a juicy Buffalo Burger. Craving something healthier? Flag down the beautiful watermelon girl. Keep your ears and eyes peeled and sooner or later you will hear someone eloquently hawking whatever it is you desire.
5) Be wary of the fuzz
It’s easy to assume that you’ll be safe from the long arm of the law once you descend into this glorious utopia of nakedness and illicit consumption. But keep in mind, it is still illegal to drink on a beach anywhere in Vancouver, including Wreck. If you plan on drinking, simply bring a travel mug or some other kind of nondescript container. It’s not uncommon to see a couple sweaty blue-shirts patrolling the beach once or twice a day, not flaunting your bottle of Alize will keep them off your back. Also, the code for cops on the beach is “six up”. If you hear a chorus of voices shouting this out, put the joint away out for 5 mins, and pass the message along to your neighbors.
6) Don’t stare
Seriously. Don’t fucking stare. How creepy can you get. For the most part people come down to Wreck Beach in order to get away from our societies nudity-phobia and to enjoy their bodies in a safe and natural way. Having you gawking and sniggering doesn’t help, it only succeeds in making you look like an immature, pervy fool. And if you’re really that curious about human anatomy, bring some fucking sunglasses and try to keep your mouth closed.
7) No cameras
I don’t think it’s necessary for me to explain this one. Don’t bring your camera unless you’re willing to have it thrown in the ocean by an angry mob of Wreck Beach regulars. Seriously, don’t you have the internet? I hear you can find all sorts of naked pictures on there, so leave your camera at home.
8) Respect the regulars
One very common misconception about Wreck Beach is that you HAVE to be naked. This simply isn’t true. One thing you do HAVE to do at Wreck is respect the regulars. There are certain areas of the beach that are “Nude Only” and if you wander into one of these areas unsuspectingly wearing more than your birthday suit, be prepared to feel their wrath. The regulars may be old, wrinkly and often abrasive.. but remember, they were here before you, and they deserve a bit of respect. Even if they can be slightly overbearing and very possessive of what is essentially a public commodity. Also, if you do decide to go clothed, don’t be surprised to hear a chorus of “Teeeeeeeeeeeextiles Goooooooo Hooooooooome!!” as you walk innocently past a group of bronzed grandparents.
9) Don’t play beer-ball
So you’re minding your own business, soaking up the sun, when someone starts organizing a game of beer-ball. You’re slightly intrigued and even more than slightly inebriated, so you saunter over to someone who is explaining the rules to a group of soon to be destroyed noobs (of which you, no doubt, will become a part). The game functions something like this: A large group of men (and women) fight over a single ball in an effort to gain control of it and somehow launch it at a single beer can perched high above everyone’s heads at the very top of a slim wooden post. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? Maybe it even could be.. but believe me, beer-ball is taken much too seriously by the die-hards to qualify as a recreational sport. These dudes are out there to take your head off. Also, the nudity coupled with the full contact nature of the game makes for some interesting situations. Lets just say that unless you’re ready for some cock and balls in your face when some dude throws a flying tackle at you, you’re better off on the sidelines. Beer-ball is much more enjoyable when treated as a spectator sport.
10) Naked ocean frisbee
Saved this one for last because it’s perhaps the most important. Bring a goddamn frisbee. Get naked. Jump in the fucking ocean. This is by far the most fun you can have at wreck beach without the help of mushroom rice krispy squares (readily available all summer long btw). Just get some friends together and start tossing the old disc around. Do your very best to miss whoever you’re supposed to be throwing to by approximately five feet, enabling them to flail wildly in the direction of the frisbee and splash extravagantly about in a doomed bid to make a flying catch. This is good for hours of fun (just remember to re-apply that sunscreen).
So there it is. A few simple tips to ensure you have a fantastic time at Wreck, one of the largest, most popular, and most acclaimed clothing optional beaches in the world. If you’ve never been, give it shot, you won’t be disappointed. And if you’re an enthusiast, well I’ll see you down there.. and please feel free to comment if I’ve left out any other important “tips”. Happy tanning bitches!